Updated: Sep 20, 2019
So, it has been a while- four months to be exact. Why? You might ask. I'll just lay it out there plainly, like I always do. This momma has been Depressed with a capital "D." If you follow my social media accounts, you know our family made a big move back in August. Not just any move, but a dream move! I have been living on the ocean, like right on the water, for the last few months. Sounds wonderful, right? You would think having your dreams come true would be a major win emotionally. But what I found out rather quickly was that if you're not happy inside, it doesn't matter where you live or how much money you have, peace and joy still seem to be as far away as the moon- just out of reach-mocking you with its brilliant light. You look around and see it shining on others and wonder, will I ever be that content?
I would like to blame all of this said depression on my recent hysterectomy. Ah yes, I left that out didn't I? Five short days prior to our big move, I had all of my lady parts removed. The third surgery in two years due to the fact that my ovaries had it out for me for some reason- ending with them getting kicked out save a small piece of my left ovary which apparently is a little overwhelmed like me. Since talking with other brave women whose ovaries went savage as well and doing some research online, I have come to realize that maybe, just maybe I'm not all that crazy. According to my husband, the jury is still out on that one!
You see, maybe my hormones are a bit to blame for the black cloud that has been following me around lately, but honestly, I've grown quite familiar with it's shade over the years--the heavy weight that comes with it, the tears, the self doubt, the feeling that maybe the world would be better if I wasn't in it, the guilt that follows such a thought. I've battled all of these things for most of my life. I've learned to master the fake smile, the answer to the question, How are you? I'm fine, of course. I've worn the mask, I've played the part. I've pushed everything under the rug, because what do I really have to be sad about, right? That is the question I get asked the most. They are right to ask it. I really have nothing to be sad about. That is why depression is so hard. There isn't a reason. Sure a lot of things have added to it, have magnified it, but it's bigger than any one thing, it's deeper than the surface.
Some days are harder than others. Some days, like more recently, turn into months. But I thank God that eventually I always see the light. As a christian, I know this is not God's best for me. It's not his will for his children to live a depressed life, but a life of victory. I know what I'm supposed to do, but unfortunately I don't always do it. I know the signs. I recognize the patterns-- the pulling away from his word, the lack of communication through prayer, the blocking out of those I love, the slow decline, the fading to grey.
Usually I can control it. I can push through, but lately, its been hard to find a distraction loud enough to quiet my soul. My only hope, my only salvation- Peace Himself.
PSALM 42:11- (tpt) So I say to my soul, “Don’t be discouraged. Don’t be disturbed. For I know my God will break through for me.” Then I’ll have plenty of reasons to praise him all over again. Yes, living before his face is my saving grace!
I pray that whatever state you find yourself in today that you know the way back home, the way back to peace. Nothing on this earth can satisfy, nothing can sustain, nothing can compare, to the person of Peace, our comforter, in times of need.
Happy reading- Until next time